Monday, February 2, 2009

I'm back

Aunt Judy called me on my cell phone last Friday and said “Where are you?” My response at the time made perfect sense to me given the chaos of last week. “I think I’m here,” I responded. The truth was my mind was racing all last week as I wrote test articles for freelance writing gigs, attended playgroups, and looked for and applied to teaching jobs.

And besides the activities that have me all over the place, there is a battle of beliefs rolling around in my head that’s been keeping me rather occupied. There is part of me that really needs some relief from the financial strain that our family is experiencing and then there is another part of me that believes so much in the dream of being stay home with Jude. There is no easy way out. I believe in dreams. I believe in doing what you are passionate about and doing it to your best ability. I believe this is what should drive your choices and actions. But without a bit of guilt, shame, or even disillusionment (much to the disagreement of my beloved) I know there is a huge part of me who doesn’t give a whoo about money, but there is another part that likes to buy Apollinaris mineral water at $2.49 a pop. I like knowing we have good credit because we pay our bills on time. And I like having more than a few coins in my wallet.

Jude, regardless of what is going on, will respond “pretty good” if you ask him how he is? how his food is? etc. I’ve been working very hard to appreciate all I have. I’ve been finding many blessings in these circumstances. But the best I can manage anymore is “okay” when asked the same questions. And sometimes, not often, I feel like saying, “pretty crappy.”

I know how to find joy in any circumstance. I know how to stay present and not let my mind slip away into what ifs. I know how to avoid sending negative energy to future, a.k.a. worrying. But for some reason right now I’m struggling.

I have a job interview this Thursday…. I hope I can be there.

Been meditating over these today at the wise advice of a friend….
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” –Philippians 4:8
And
“I’m not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” –Philippians 4:11-13

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